4/04/2006

The Trouble With Love Is...

...It can make your heart believe a lie.

I've been in love 3 times- maybe twice because the last one is questionable- and each time I discovered something. You meet someone and you hit it off with them. First the two of you are hanging out all the time and then when you're not together, you're on the phone with him/her for hours at a time. Eventually, they become your boyfriend/girlfriend. You think to yourself, "this is great...it can't get any better than this." Then it does. Your significant other says those 3 magic words. "I love you." You begin to imagine your dream wedding, and a house in the suburbs and the perfect summer home in Cape Cod. The kids will all be wearing Ralph Lauren and your sheets will be 500-count Egyptian Cotton. Then the unthinkable happens. You find out your boyfriend has gotten another girl pregnant, or, you discover your boyfriend is extremely jealous and has tendency to become violent. Those are my 2 scenarios, but you can insert your own at any time. The point is it can really make your heart believe a lie because who knows for how long the signs were right there in front of your face. You couldn't see their lies because your love for them clouded your judgment and you couldn't see anything other than the love you felt for them, until it was too late.

...It can tear you up inside.

So the relationship has gone sour. What are your means for recovery? For me there are several options. First, sobbing excessively until your tear ducts beg you to stop. Second, curling into a ball and imaging the horrors of being single again. Third, eating a whole package of raw cookie dough or an entire bag of tater tots. Finally, forgetting the bastard by putting Destiny's Child's "Independent Woman Part II" on repeat for about a week. My favorite line in the whole song is, "I am my number one priority, no falling in love, no commitment from me." Second favorite line, "Do them boys like they used to do you. If you pimp them, I congratulate you." I like to take this moment to thank Beyonce for her words of encouragement and for helping me through some tough times. What would we do without you? Anyway, breakups are hard, harder if you've been in love with the person. You experience all these emotions and then the "what if's" slowly start to creep up on you, and the next thing you know you're a complete basketcase. It really does tear you up inside and the recovery time can be lengthy.

...It's stronger than your pride.

Like I said before, I've been in love 3 times- I'm still questioning that last one but more on that later- and after all the disappointments you tell yourself that it will never happen to you again. Love becomes your new four-letter word. You try to avoid it like the plague. You go out again with the sole purpose of having fun with your friends. If you meet someone, cool, but nothing more than a few dates and maybe the occasional hook-up (for my friends in the church reading this, here's a disclaimer: this was my pre-baptism life I'm talking about. You can stop freaking out.), without any expectations at all. That is until you start repeating the actions noted in the first paragraph. Your pride tells you don't do it. Don't get caught in the trap. Just turn around and walk away. Keep walking. That's it, just keep walking, don't look back. But sometimes you make the mistake of looking back, and instead of turning into a pillar of salt, it happens. You're in love all over again. This leads me to my final point.

...You've got no say at all.

No matter what your mind is telling you to do, the heart always seems to win. Remember that 3rd person I might or might not be in love with? It's all because I've really got no say at all in the matter. My mind wants what it wants, and that is to not be in love with the guy. At the same time, my heart wants what it wants, and that is to be in love with this person. So what happens next? You try to find ways to not like them. You try to criticize them on the way they behave, which at times can be very immature. But then something happens where you get to see their mature side, and their ability to come through for you in a crisis. Or you try to criticize them for their tendency to make jokes at some of the worst moments. But then you realize that their humor is one of the things you love about them and somehow no matter how mad you can be around them, all it takes is one funny face to make you laugh again. You see their talents and their potentials and you see how underrated they make themselves appear to be, when in reality they don't realize the many impacts they have in numerous peoples lives. For every bad thing you try to make up, there's always a ton of good to counteract it. As much as the mind tries to work for you, the heart works against you. The realization that the other party doesn't feel the same hurts. The story always ends the same...me standing in the pouring rain. And no matter what I do, it tears my heart in two. I try various ways to mend it. Distancing myself from them, etc. But then you see how much a part of you they've become and all that's left is a void. So you try to move on and eventually you will.

So for now I'll say love isn't worth the pain but then, at some point, I'll hear it call my name.

8 comments:

amy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
amy said...

okay kia,
i'm replying to this not because i have anything worth saying here, but because i know it's driving you nuts to pour your heart out all over your blog and then check back to see "0 comments."

anyway, you rock. what i'll say next is said out of love and because i care about you. this mysterious third possibility is The Guy. he's funny and solid and always there for you. you should totally go for him, even if it just breaks your heart. i hope that helps.

Jenni Jo said...

Hey baby girl.

Your analysis exactly mirrors much of what I too have experienced and thought about the subject. As many lessons as I've learned the hard way, I tend to give great advice to others and not follow it myself. I wonder at times if I'll ever change. I wonder if I should continue to be myself, wear my heart on my sleeve, or do a 180 and shield myself from love forever so I can avoid the pain of losing it. I wonder if I'll ever find that happy medium, or if anyone does?

Keep writing. I'm telling you the truth; you are a writer. And one can't be taught to write. It's innate, and it's an ability that's cultivated through years of experiencing both beauty and pain. You've harnessed your ability well; but don't ever rein it in and hold things back.

Un besito,

JJJ

kia said...

amy: good thing i know you, and know that what you said in that last paragraph isn't true. your methods of reverse psychology are amazing!!

jj: thanks so much for your kind words. there is definitely a mix of pleasure and pain i get from writing and after all these years of writing various things for various people and/or situations, i have learned so much about myself. and there's no way i'm holding anything back; as evidenced by this last posting. the bad thing is it seems like people seem to not be able to handle my words. blessing or curse? you decide.

petey said...

kia.
i've been outta the blog circuit momentarily (minus the dominion), but i'm back.

good stuff. i agree with amy in that i claim no expertise in the laws of love. but i agree with you in that love is a sacrifice, a choice, and pretty rare and until you reach that point you gotta protect your number one.

and being there for you is a sign of good character, not always a sign of romantic love. romantic love wants to be with you as much or more as you want to be with it...

r y @ n said...

Well, I too can claim no expertise on love, in fact, I would say I have never really been in love (unless O'Lunney's cheesecake counts cuz then I'm in love and I don't care if the whole world knows it!) but I agree with what you said. I think part of why I have never "been in love" is because I've been to scared to put myself out there and risk getting hurt.
I think I have met girls that I probably could have fallen in love with but I waited to long to let them know how I felt.
Anyway, time for bed and more sweet dreams of cheesecake...mmm!

kia said...

Ry@n: i recently experienced putting myself out there, and like i said it sucks when the person doesn't feel the same as you, but the feeling you get when you know you've been honest with yourself first and foremost is perhaps the greatest feeling. after being honest with yourself, then you can be honest with the other person and what happens next is out of your control, but at least they know how you feel. the ball's in their court after that.

petey said...

ryan,
what a sad story...
poor ryan...
(quit being a sissy)