3/30/2006

Why Do I Feel So Sad?

Right now things don't seem all that bad. So why do I feel so sad? That was the question posed to me today by my therapist. In retrospect, things right now aren't all that bad. After a little over 2 weeks in the hospital, I'm out and somewhat about. I finally moved away from my family, which was a big source of drama and frustration in my life and on top of all that, I found out I got accepted to Brigham Young University. One would think I would be on cloud 9 right about now. I even thought I was. That is until my therapist decided to chime in with a thought. She says, "With all these seemingly exciting things happening right now, you still seem to be so sad. Why do you think that is?"

Apparently I can't hide the way I feel inside. My actions are speaking louder than words. This revelation is starting to bother me. Bother me because for a long time I kept whatever was bothering me or hurting me deep inside. Therefore on the exterior all you would think you were seeing is a upbeat, energetic, well-dressed woman. But beneath the pretty skirts and the sassy shoes, lied a "girl" who was very broken inside. By now I know that in time things must change- and I'm trying to change it-so it shouldn't be so bad. But why do I feel so sad?

14 comments:

amy said...

probably the hot chocolate you had on saturday.

petey said...

kia.
just like you said. things take time. you've got a lot going on right now, goodness and drama. and the truth is, its only been a couple of weeks. there's nothing wrong with feeling sad, it's apart of being human. as long as you're trying to be happy eventually it will come. but don't expect to always have full control over you emotions all the time. sometimes you gotta just let yourself feel things.

kia said...

petey,
having control over my emotions has been what has gotten me through most of my life. now that i think about it, it's probably what led to my downfall. not having control over everything scares me and there's been many times where i try my best to feel happy, but something comes to totally destroy the happiness i was feeling. so i guess my point is, let's say i start letting myself feel things, is there a chance i could only make myself feel worse?

amy said...

kia,
you always risk being hurt when you let yourself experience emotion. it's the only way you'll know REAL happiness, and it also means you will feel sad sometimes, too. i would say that being afraid to live because you are afraid of not being in control is worse.

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed."
-Storm Jameson

Cam said...

This entry reminds me of a They Might Be Giants song. It's called 'sad'. Like most of their songs, I don't quite know what they mean, and don't think they should be read into too much. But the song goes something like this.

No one knows these things
But me and him.
So I'm writing everything down
In a spiral notebook,
In the hopes that someday
All the people will feel
As low as this.
Sad, sad, sad, sad.
Why must I be sad?
With rows of dandylions growing
All around me,
Why must I be sad?


I think it's often hard to know why we feel the way we do, the same way it's difficult to see what the back of our heads look like. One has to 'step outside oneself', metaporically speaking, of course, not physically. That would be wierd.

I'm sorry this isn't more helpful.

"Sister" Becky LaFollette said...

I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!! Actually I love all of you not just your guts. Being Sad is part of mortality, but always remember that it is the purpose of your Heavenly Father and Saviour to bring about your happiness. (moses 1:39) Christ suffered that you might find healing. He has borne your griefs and carried your sorrows (mosiah 14:5) So when things feel sad...as they will at times...Think of Him, keep praying like you have been. Think about Christ and all the blessing He brings to you...and SMILE!! Its okay to have sad moments, as long as you have lots of happy one's too. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Dont ever forget it!!!!! PS, your my favorite...don't tell Sister Beames :)

Stephen said...

wait a second. is becky lafollete home already? that's pretty crazy.

kia said...

amy: as you well know, recently i've been in the habit of letting my self experience emotions. and you're right, it was a little hurtful, but i'm somewhat beginning to feel some happiness from the decision i made.

cam: you've totally helped me in so many ways. reading your comment made me remember all the things i used to write in my spiral notebooks. i found some of them and have been going through them. i found some interesting things, but i'm hoping that no one else will feel the lows i felt at that time. stepping outside of myself has shown me some new and intriguing things about who i am. a later post will cover that.

r y @ n said...

I don't have anything to thoughtful or witty to say...but I just wanted to say hi! And that Stephen is stupid. That's all.

kia said...

ry@n: you're always the one with the witty remarks. what has going back to utah done to you? and i have to agree, stephen is stupid...oh if i could just list the ways. then again maybe i can, but that might have to be another post all it's own. i miss you and hopefully i'll be seeing you soon.

Stephen said...

ki@: that list would probably be the shortest web log of all entire human history.

ry@n: please stay in utah.

kia said...

stephen: what are you frontin' for?

r y @ n said...

yea Mr. Frandsen...why you be beastin?
You are such A jumpoff!

kia said...

ry@n: i take this time to say stephen is not a jumpoff. i tried to make him my "jumpoff", but he denied me. now that i think about it, maybe that's why i feel so sad? once again stephen, what are you frontin' for?